You said that you feel a Zen kind of stillness, at times, so why not see if you can expand that awareness. That is exactly what Zen meditation is all about - the full appreciation of this absolute moment. You say you don't have a life of any kind, which is why the Zen monks sit for years in a cave. They achieve peaceful fulfillment through the enlightenment that comes from that meditative solitude. For you, it seems enforced, and anyone would want to escape enforcement, but those prison bars are partially, if not largely, self-imposed.

Who knows, perhaps, one day you will become a Zen master, and look back upon these years as the most formative time of your life.