Trying to figure something out and I just can't.. One day I was sitting on my bed looking at myself in the mirror, I was a little surprised what this break up has done to me, my eyes are always red from crying, I lost way too many stones for my already petite figure , I am just looking looking so sick and so miserable, "come on! there must be an end to all this, the question is when, do you want it to end now or do you want to wait another year or two?" I asked myself. Well .. obviously I want it to end now, I do I really do! Every single day I am literally fighting for my life and happiness, when I see a new interesting book - good, will read it; friend is going to dance classes - amazing, will go with her too; sunbeds to make myself look not so sick - yeah, why not?!; skydiving in February - sure! nothing to lose anyway!; I am trying to live the moment and not think about tomorrow.

Sometimes I have moments of weakness when all my strength is leaving me and I become very vulnerable, it can be a smell from the past, a song, a movie, or when I see a woman holding a kid I think of those moments when we talked how our kid will look like and I want to die realizing that it will never happen. Moments of weakness. I try to turn away, ignore *forget, stop thinking, no no no*, I move on again.

I want want to stop thinking of him as "the one", you know, no matter what he did and how he did, he is still the best man in the whole world for me, I still admire him, I still think he would be an amazing father, still love his nature, his interest, his values, I love perfume that he was using and his body, I love his hair, I love everything about him, I believe he is the best man who can ever be with me. I feel like it is ruining my healing process, I love him, I don't want to deny it but maybe I need to stop thinking of him this way? I can not just make a list of his negative sides because I simply won't be able to make that list, even after mistakes he did - I forgave the mistakes and I can not be angry at them anymore..
He left, he is happy, he doesn't want to know me anymore and even then, I am still loving and still thinking he is my darling, my love, best I can ever have. I am sorry to say this if it sounds too naive, but life just can not be so unfair, is there something I can do about the way I think of him?