I am so sorry you are having a rough go with things, have you ever considered calling a counselar? Do you see a pdoc?
Many find seeking professional help fruitful, and often a neccessity to help yourself out of the pit of depression.
If you haven't sought out professional help, I encourage you to do so.
Years ago I balked at it, but it saved me from myself, it saved my life literally.

Please take care now,

DE

In giving advice seek to help, not please your friend
SOLON