I used to think I just had different moods, but they have different belief systems attached to each ‘mood’. I didn’t know that wasn’t normal. Anger provokes my mind to want to kill people. Happy calms my mind and I am more altruistic and tolerant (not even a glimmer of homicidal thoughts). Sadness makes me suicidal. Fear makes me a little bit of both angry and sad and a lot paranoid – believing everyone is conspiring against me. See what I mean? It is weird. I prefer to feel nothing.

There is more, but I’m not here to post a life story. I wanted to find out how other people control those other selves when those emotions trigger a switch? (reply only if you CAN control them). I’m having problems with fear – I can’t make myself take a shower or get the mail or do anything other than sit on the couch and read and do coursework assignments. I seriously need to take a shower and get this fear monkey away, but my usual ways out of it are not working. About a week?, not sure, some time ago I shut the main water off because I thought the pipes were going to explode. Now I’m too afraid to go outside to turn it back on, can’t get my mail, can’t even leave my living room. I have sort of a hatch door I created during a good period that I can crawl through to the bathroom so I don’t have to get near the front door – it is why I can’t leave the living room. There is only one way and I have to pass the front door. I have been in this situation before (hence the creation of the hatch), but it is lasting longer and my usual methods to work my way out of it are not effective.

I quit therapy because it has never ever helped. I was committed several times as a teen and throughout my 20’s. I do have more control over my outside self (facade) now that I have reached 30. I am well educated, and don’t seek to be ‘taken care of’ – never have. That does seem to be the impression that outsiders think though. They think mental illness is a cover for wanting to be taken care of and using it as an excuse to behave badly. It is like blaming someone for getting cancer – it makes no sense. But mental illness is invisible, because there isn’t anything visibly broken to point to that says this is why I act this way in certain situations (not even every time, just sometimes). I’m terrified of heights, but there are days I can climb a ladder and clean out the gutters because a piece of me is incredibly brave. Other days my body would shake too much to be able to climb the ladder – dopamine must be flooding at that point but how can I express that or prove that to someone? I’ve never shirked responsibilities – have had to delay them but never avoided them.

Even so - I have burned all bridges to people that used to be in my life. I have had no support in years. I avoid making friends because I know they won't stick around once they know I have mental health problems.


I wish there were a chemical meter of some kind that could tell us (like a gas gauge) when we are reaching low or high levels. Living independent is a must for me, but I need to upgrade my tools to deal with it all.