I don't have a phone -- haven't in a long time. Talking isn't something I do well. If there were a crisis online service maybe it would be sort of ok - but it takes me a while to type, edit, and make sure I am being clear. Forum posts, this one, is really my only current option right now. Reaching out for help never has helped in the past. A resolution comes in time. I guess I'm just trying to find a way to fill the time till I can think of a way out for myself. I didn't really expect anyone here to have an answer for me. There never has been 'outside' useful input. I don't rule it out - I have read some pretty good books that have inspired ideas I can use for my life. It is bad chemistry between me and direct contact with people that prevents good interactions and helpful - anything.