I grew up with a very emotionally repressed father. He continually battered me with insults, condemning remarks, and would use my trust in him to betray me. He continually used me as his emotionally piss pole. He would dump all his negative and incinuary thoughts on me, forcibly, then just leave me for dead, alone and neglected in my room. I didnt have anyone to turn to and became heavily addicted to video games, television, and eating - and later, working out and porno. Now the problem is I still have deep destabilizing fear of people. My mother was also very abusive, as well as my wife. I feel a lot better without any of them in my life as they were mainly just vampires, sucking me dry of any lifeblood I had. I feel very low right now, and food sounds really good, not so much out of hunger, but pain. I know that my brain is severely hampered. I produce an over-abundance of stress chemicals, such as cortisol, and not enough mood-regulating chemicals. Im in therapy, I journal, and I join groups to talk about the problems I have. But the thing I am still missing on dearly is being able to relate to others. I feel so isolated and alienated and I know this is the major cause for addiction in my own life. Im hoping the networking here will help that but im iffy. Afterall, who will be able to relate with me? I feel hopeless and powerless. I cant change the past, and all of my memories are traumatic and filled with negativity. Most people here will probably just tell me to 'forgive', like theres a magic button to press or its up to me. Others will tell me to take drugs, further isolating me contributing to my feelings of drfectiveness. But who will genuinely listen? Close to none - if anything the best I can hope for is not to be ignored, attacked or told 'yourr wrong'. But there has to be professionals here and people willing to support me, however dusty and remote. I must find a glimmer of support from someone, somewhere. One forty-five minute counselling session once a week is not nearly enough! Im so poor and depressed. Im going through a long-winded divorce and only make like eight thousand a year. And thats me working full time! I can barely survive, I live with people who drink, party, smoke and even occasionally steal from me. I just want a life being distant from emotionally handicapped people and live in peace and quiet. I just always wanted to be left alone instead of hurt and damaged. Im so sick of being called a stupid, piece of ****, worthless ***** that needs to grow some balls and stop being a mama's boy. Theres gotta be a life worth living somewhere. It cant be this bleak forever....dont tell me not to focus on my past! Dont tell me not to process my emotions and hidden inner patterns! Read alice miller's work, watch a few of Stefan Molyneux's podcasts on the family, etc. This is my life, im so sick of being denigraded, so segmented and commanded what to do! Nobody listens to me ever! I have to be fake or I wont make it! I have to put on this social mask! I must be a coward, a spineless jellyfish, a weakling, gimpy man. I must be hurt because I have nothing else to live for but pain. Im a loser, a stupid, ****ing idiot prick. Im a dumbass, mother-****er. Im done...

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