I need somewhere to rant tonight. My anxiety is about to make my head pop! This may or may not be coherent once I post, but I will try my absolute best. If you have even read these thoughts to follow, please send me hugs and/or good cheer, I'm in need....

Short background: I am in a lesbian relationship. At this point, alltogether 7yrs. First two years was a relationship that could outshine any diamond. Due to me messing up in college, we then moved in with my dad for a yr. Neither one of us can pinpoint what happened but we both feel the love started to die there. We then bought our own place, which after living there for two years, the relationship did not improve. There was a complete lack of ANY physical attention...this goes way beyond sex. During this time I coaxed and pleaded for professional help in our relationship, which she would not accept. I then, for reasons that still baffle me, proceeded to have an affair with a male coworker over the next year. This coworker was highly manipulative and I was at a vulnerable state in my life. After becoming entangled for a year in that mess, I desparately yearned to get out but felt as though I was trapped with my decision. After several attempts to end that relationship I was only able to put a stop to the actual sex. After approximately two months of no sex, but still having him 'talk me up' over the phone, I was reintroduced to an old friend. I ended up sleeping with him once, and felt so overwhelmingly disgusted with myself that I ended up puking, going home to my girl, and crying on her as she slept. I did not confess though. I continued four more months to hide the overwhelming shame and guilt, but did not understand how to cut ties with all these people without blowing my secret. I decided to confess.

Fast forward a little here: This led me to therapy and this diagnoses, which is terrifyingly accurate. I cleaned my slate with confessions. I went through hell and back again to prove myself to my girlfriend. We both agreed to work towards that 'old happiness' we had. Two months of hell later, she kicks me out, and has this re-bound relationship with my ex (as in the only other person I have loved in my life, ex).

Fast forward again: I crashed and burned but somehow found this great spirit in recovery. I'm living with my dad and grandma. Three months pass, of even more hell. My girl and I rekindled a spark. We've been taking it slow and dating. I understand her caution and have been going through great lengths in therapy to become that loving person I desire to have....at first I didn't mind the remnants of the joint ex, I'll call her, then two and half months later brings us to tonight.

I went snooping through her phone. All pics that she and I have taken together are gone. She does have pictures with the joint ex and they are dated throughout the last six months. What stands out is the ones from the night before my birthday. I was with her earlier that day, had even made love. The pics are dated and timed for that night. I remember it, it was only like a week ago. She's wearing the same outfit and everything. It's scary a FK. She swears she hasn't seen this girl since we started talking, and now Idk what to do. My heart is pounding. My mind is racing....F-bomb F-bomb, F-bomb!!!!!!

We had already gotten our "even" out the way. I don't understand...I felt so much love for her in the last few months than I think we may have ever shared. I know it's more than I've ever given before.

OH F, I'm freaking the hell out right now. I want to kill them, that deep internal singe screaming for me to off myself....don't worry guys this isn't a suicidal post, I just need to say how I feel.

I'm scared of myself right now. Holidays are here. I'm so alone. I can't f'in take this stupid life of mine anymore.....