Wow. That is exactly where your abusers want you, taking the blame. Stop that! You made the decisions you made and you are still alive: quit questioning all that, it IS in the past. It doesn't mean you didn't go through "all that" is just means that now, especially now as you take stock and work at a good decision, you have a clean slate to work on about the rest of your life.

Meditation is good usually. However I would hope that wherever you end up that you will seek a psychologist/therapist who will help you realize how the abuse has affected you and affects the decisions and attitudes you take.