I'm sorry it sounds horrible for you right now. I don't know how to help but wanted to let you now that you're not alone. I understand that feeling of just not knowing what to do and feeling so confused. I don't know why I shut down and can't communicate my feelings either. I'm in therapy and have been for the past 10 months....I wish I could say I'm getting better but it appears that it is going to be a long, hard road. I just hold on and try to keep hope that I can do something, albeit how small, to work towards the better. Hang in there