I lost my rock, Mom, on 1/13/2005.

It was totally unexpected. She went in her sleep, I hope. I've denied her death for years. I haven't dealt with the emotions yet. I've locked them away in my mental vault. Every holiday is torturous for me. I'm convinced I have some form of PTSD from it, being that I was the one that found her (after dad couldn't wake her and came and got me). I was the one who had to call 911. I was there when the paramedics said she was gone, the police watched get in my car and drive off. I was quite hysterical. I was the one that had to drive across town and tell her brother.

We never had a proper service for my mother. Her ashes were once stored in a storage locker (thanks dad) while he was in the process of moving.

In 2007-8 (I don't remember) My grandfather passed. Her ashes were buried next to him in Monticello, FL where she was born and raised. I haven't been back down there since the funeral for my grandfather because I can't handle it. It only takes the smallest emotional trigger and I am a mess. TV, Music, Smells, Voices, anything. It doesn't help that my sister lives down there and doesn't care for my company.

I still relive that day very very vividly pretty much anytime triggers me, like I stated above. It could be everyday, or once per week or longer.

Nearly every day I get right to the point of crying and I hold myself back. I don't know why. The tears come, and I have to wipe them from my face, but I just can't let loose. My family is like it's time you get over it. I was a momma's boy. We talked everyday. Even when I lived out of town.

I think she is with me everyday in various things. I'm sure she was there when I graduated culinary school, which I did for her. I was ready to drop out after her death, but I ended up graduating in August 2005. I'm sure she helped me get out of sticky situations when I was a trucker. I just want to talk to her. It's so hard. I don't really believe in mediums, but as I research it I am a believer more and more.. I get premonitions about stuff so I don't know.

I know I'm not the only one not grieving, or grieving the wrong way, or not. My therapist asked me to write a letter to mom, but I became full of emotion and I couldn't get the first sentence completed. This is about as far as my letter is getting. I'm in complete tears even writing this.

I totally believe that some of my illnesses are a direct relation to my mother's death. Depression and the massive mood swings.

I'm sorry to unload.