I was told to own all thoughts and emotions even if they seemed like they were someone else’s. I own the fact I wish people dead and also wish people peace, even if I don’t have access to each of those perspectives all the time. I haven’t been able to marry the thoughts which I would think would dilute those extremes – or hope to dilute them. However if I were to suddenly be normal tomorrow I would have a whole other set of problems. Ive never been normal so wouldn’t know how to implement that. It would be all foreign. That is what I got out of the years of therapy (babysitting).

I have to play the cards I have in my hand – not the ones that are possible in the deck. My hand shows no possible way of successfully interacting with people for an extended length of time. I have no family or friends, no support of any kind – so that is a limitation I have to work with. I do have a rabbit that visits my front yard sometimes. That rabbit is a card I have in my hand – I use it to let my little ones smile when they see him/her. I have a few cheap security cameras placed around the property, and see it hopping around and eating the clover in the grass. That is a positive card.

Another positive card is when I figure out a way to tweak my routine to be more efficient or add a new layer that gives me higher functioning. My whiteboards gave me a way to have memory over more things. I was having a hard time keeping track of time, when I last took a shower, or last ate. Putting up a whiteboard in the bathroom, kitchen, and bedroom and jotting down the date of my last shower, last time I brushed my teeth, last time I cleaned the counters, whether or not I slept that night … etc – huge help. Make that 2 positive cards.

I know there are likely good people in the world, but they are not in my current circle. When you say ”You may function better alone, but that is a lonely existence” –I don’t really get lonely. Plus, I do have a very hateful side and it is better to keep that away from everyone.

It might seem like a bad way to live from your perspective, but having any independent function at all is kind a big deal for me. I never thought I would escape being locked up or watched over. It feels good to have made it 3 years on my own without the world caving in. The last 2 years have been very rocky because I made the mistake of inviting people in and shouldn’t have. I didn’t know it was a mistake then, but do now.

I have been completely alone for about a year (had to look that up). I did have one friend – sort of – but she turned on me and hurt me – even used my illness as a way to push buttons. We were not really friend-friends, just had a common class and would talk through email. I started to confide in her more than should have and it ended very badly. I let people stop and talk to me when I was outside doing yard work – they quickly learned I wasn’t normal and they started being mean and recruiting others to be mean.

I wont ever make that mistake again. I know now being alone is the best thing for me and avoiding all contact with people in person as much as possible. The only problem is when I hit a rough patch, like now, and there isn’t anyone I can ask for help … but, that help doesn’t actually exist anyway. There is no way to help me in this situation. I have to find my own way out.

“Have you ever looked into DBT therapy?” I rarely got past level 2 before I’d be (or perceived to be) baited and would get knocked back into the isolation room – no therapy ever happened in there. Only a constant bright light, a bed, and periodic meals and bathroom. I had school in a room by myself. As an adult, inpatient was more like being in a daycare. Once I was outpatient-adult, (aka the insurance stopped paying for inpatient care), therapy consisted of me sitting in a room answering questions on a computer because I have trouble thinking linearly when I talk out loud and hard for people to understand me.

I had art therapy sometimes and occupational therapy which just seemed like another kind of art therapy or similar to day camp stuff. Medication was the major part of their treatments. I was ward of the sate (in 2 states) for a few years, which means I was in state facilities. As an adult, I didn’t have any money, so they gave me a disability. I can go to state facilities for treatment, but nothing better.

“I wouldn't want to give them the power over me to make me lose it in public. They are not worth it, and I'm certainly worth more than letting them feel like they 'win'. So, nice and relaxed, I'd move away, maybe to use the washroom, or to pick something up off the magazine rack, or whatever else I can find. Then, when I'm in a different situation, I deal with the trauma brought up by that. Does that help at all?”

As a calm person now it makes sense, but when in crazy mode - not always able to control what I do and think. Since I have been on my own I have gained a little more foresight and can see when trouble might happen and can get my selves away from it before I get bad. Or can create work-arounds after a bad incident – like I once got trapped in my kitchen…too afraid to get out from under the meal counter. Once that passed I decided to look around the house and create tunnels to each room so I never get trapped in one room again. The hall way is problematic because it is along an outside wall. When I perceive outside to be dangerous I don’t want to get near any outside walls, doors, or windows. It is irrational but I cant convince myself to do it. Like now I cant turn the water back on because I will have to go outside … but cant now anyway cuz the temp dropped way below freezing again so cant turn it back on till it gets over freezing for a few days.

I can talk with some of these characters in me - but not all of em; can hear their thoughts sometimes but not always. Cant usually see from their perspective though. That is why I want them to write on the whiteboards to know when they have been out. Some wont though. Sometimes I just wish they’d disappear. I hate them sometimes. I hate when I cant just have quiet in my mind. I want them to shut up. I go into sort of a daze when I cant take it anymore – time passes but I don’t notice. I lay on the couch and stare and sleep stare and sleep ignoring life.

My official dx is ptsd, did + disassociation fugue … I don’t completely blackout anymore, but do have just a vague recollection when a different part takes the wheel … , and anorexia – in the classic sense that I don’t get hungry, but has nothing to do with body image. It is because I have a hard time paying attention to my body and realizing the cues it is giving me. I’m psychologically disconnected with my physical body.

“A trick I learned that has helped me talks about listening to all your thoughts, but not believing them without solid evidence. “ – many of my thoughts are irrational and stem from past experiences that don’t apply to right now. Some do though. There is too much of a mix to have one rule… and timing of it is not easy to apply. When I feel scared I wont be able to rationalize with myself in that moment – I just hide and talk to my selves when it passes.

“there are really amazing therapists out there who could meet with you one on one, not commit you, and treat you with the respect you deserve. “ – it circles back around to playing the cards in my hand and not the possible ones in the deck (which is not in my control to deal out). State mental health doesn’t have great people – there are some nice ones, some who are burnt out, some who mean well but just are not very educated beyond the basics --- it is just too risky to find that needle in the haystack. I’ll stick to my independence, and try to work with the tools I was given during those years I was in treatment and create some new ones of my own that work for me. Thanks for helping me fill some time while I try and find a way back on track. My post manages to swat down all your hard work at constructing your communication. Im sorry.