i dont know if anybody want to read my love-story. I never plan this relationship which i probably will end up marrying my girlfriend next year. There's many lack of communications between us, my depression keeps me away from her for most of the time, i know she's hurt but she always wanted to stay beside me. From the way i behave, i'm not a good man at all, i've done a few bad things to her, i feel so guilty, i wish she can let me go and find a better man, but there's something keeps us together, something strong. She love me that much, she always said she wanted to be my wife, and i think it will happen next year. But to be honest, i'm not sure if i'm ready, i've been unsure about this for the past 2 years, we discuss a lot about getting married during that time, but nothing happens because i told her i'm not ready. A few months ago i brace myself to make a decision of marrying her next year, she's very happy and excited. Not long enough, my biggest depression comes back (again), its very bad as i wrote this i feel like i want to escape from my life, not only depression, but suicidal, anxiety, and other mental/health issues, she knows everything about me, and she still want to marry me, she's a normal extrovert person with many friends and everything positive, she dont deserve me at all. I want to make her happy, i want to be a better man, i tried to, but i'm failing again. My depression strangled me from the inside. A few days ago, i told her i'm very depressed and i want to die, she encourage me to make those thoughts go away, i dont know if i can ever make it go away. I'm happy about us getting married next year, but in the same time i'm really fearful because of my depression. I fear our future, her future, if she married with a depressed man like me. I feel so much guilt towards her, too much, right now i really dont know what i should do.