Hello everyone, as I'm new here the following post will be a basic explanation of the hell that is my life. Hopefully this doesn't serve as a trigger for anyone, but if you feel vulnerable while reading this, please stop reading! This will be a long post as I have to explain my situation, bear with me please!

I am 28 and I currently live at home. I always have, since where I'm from it is a cultural taboo to move out if you're not married, unless you decide to leave the country. Also, the fact that I can't seem to get off my *** to get a job does not help things! As you can imagine, being 28 and living with your very backwards parents is driving me insane (conservative nut jobs, though they do mean well and are not abusive, just opinionated and very manipulative at times). They have threatened to throw me out when my behavior doesn't not comply with their "standards", and I always cave in.

This is the second time I have crawled into the very comfortable pattern of hiding in my room and avoiding any social interaction, and I seem to be repeating the same exact behavior as I did the first time. I sleep all day just to make time pass faster, I am absolutely addicted to food (ballooned from 65kg to 80kg in the past 3 months), and I have no motivation to find a job or maintain any of my relationships. The few friends I have repeatedly tried to contact me, and I simply don't answer phone calls or texts. I can't be bothered, as I would have to explain why I have been avoiding them in the first place and I really don't want to explain my depression to anyone. They would not understand and it's embarrassing anyway.

My parents would not understand either, I just get a lot of pressure to either leave the country and find a job (Google Venezuela economic crisis and you'll get it, even if I did find a job here I would never be able to earn enough to move out even if I could overcome the social stigma) or get married. I keep telling myself that I'll do it, I'll leave and it will be alright. Then I immediately shoot myself down by reading **** about how people are losing jobs right and left because of the current economic crisis in the US (I'm a US citizen so it's probably the easiest place to try for me, no work visa required) and I think to myself.. Well I have work experience in a third world country that most people confuse with Minnesota, who the hell would hire me? And so I don't even try. Basically I don't feel like I'm worth hiring anyway, so why bother.

As for marriage, that's more complicated. Part of my behavior pattern involves fixating on my romantic relationship while letting everything else fall apart. The first time I went into a deep depression, I had just been fired and I started with the isolation, weight gain, etc. My boyfriend at the time put up with it for a good seven months. He was the only person I was interested in hanging out with. He eventually moved away and we broke up. I found out later that he had been cheating on me with his secretary, whom he married three months after said break up. Although cheating is not ok and I despise him with a passion to this day, I do realize that I was sabotaging myself as well. Who wants to be with an overweight Debbie Downer?

When I found out about the marriage, my depression got worse and instead of gaining weight I stopped eating entirely. I lost 20 kg in 2 months. That's when I decided to get treatment and was put on 10mg of lexapro. Fortunately, at that time a friend recommended me for a temp job that was to last for 1 year, and the routine of having a job as well as the meds made me feel so much better.

That's when I met my current boyfriend. My contract finished in October and that's when I returned to my previous behavior. He has been very supportive so far, but I cannot expect him to understand entirely as he has never gone through it, the self loathing, the complete lack of self control and will power, the social awkwardness... It's horrible. I expect that my current relationship will end much like the last one, although fortunately I know what's coming this time so I don't expect it to be as bewilderingly painful as the first time. I obviously can't even contemplate marriage when I'm so messed up inside that maintaining a relationship is impossible, and I also think that it's the ****ing 21 st century and a marriage will not fix my problems.

As I don't have a job at the moment I cannot afford treatment with a psychiatrist, so I have no one to talk to that would understand what's going on inside my head. Mostly I just get asked why I don't just get up and do something, anything. When your brain is screaming at you all the time, telling you how much you suck and how everything you do can and will fail, it's not exactly easy to just merrily move along like everyone else. Fortunately I know that lexapro will be needed again, and I've started on 10mg again, but I have to wait for the effects to kick in, and even then I do think it will be enough unless I have someone to talk to.

Anyway, thanks for reading this post, and I hope to get input from anyone! Happy to answer questions too.