I know I should call to make a psychiatrist appt tomorrow as soon as they have one available, but my fears are overloading. I desperately want to know what is wrong with me. I feel the same as I did a few days ago except tonight even my meds aren't making me as tired as normal. Fear is sinking in. if this is what is wrong with me is there a fix our is it something that I just have to deal with. Never to be able to miss a dose of meds or to be forced to sleep during specific times. What kind if a life is that for a 26 year old who just got married? Does this mean kids are out of the question? Why would I want to risk another person having to deal with this crap? I doubt anyone would hear me if I screamed. Or notice if I scratched my eyeballs out. I just wish there was some way to make my spouse understand what is going on in my head. I try to explain it comes out a jumbled up mess of letters that don't even make words. I feel like I'm speaking alien languages. Then you've got work how do I deal with this there? It's retail and for the past month or so I've wanted to stab half of the people I deal with in the eye with a pencil or a spoon and make them see that they are stupid f#&$s who need to go jump off a short pier. I never remember wanting to hurt other people as much as I have these past few months and it's just during worse. I want to scream at everyone "what the f#$& is wrong with me?" Why can't I just make it all stop this isn't fair. I thought things were supposed to get better not worse... Eugh why does this bad crap always seem to happen to me?
I need to paint the pretty pictures and cut the pretty shapes maybe then I'll feel better....
CRAP CRAP CRAP

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