I have nothing to say about the dangerous old relationship other than glad you made it out safely.

It sounds like you want to be blindly in love again yet can't stomach the idea of sex and feel guilty about meeting people…sounds like you're not ready yet? Be you for a while. Make friends, have some pointless dates, reset your life. Eventually you'll want to meet someone, want sex, want love all at once…but don't be blind…have a very conditional relationship that tolerates no violence.