I don't know what I am asking or why I am writing this other than putting thoughts into words and posting them here has been helpful in the past...

The depression test score of the online test came up 59 - major depression. No surprise there. The black monster is a well known companion whose face is familiar and ordinary in my life. That is not to say I like his company, but like a rogue relative, he expected to pay a couple visits a year and stay a few weeks, or sometimes much longer. I have learned to tolerate the visits to a large extent.

I am on a light dose of anti-depressants. I am prescribed more, but don't take them due to the unwanted flattening of my emotional landscape. I am so used to emotionally sailing rough seas that drug induced placid waters are dull and unacceptable. What I still have trouble with managing a hurricane, and the wind is blowing like that may be coming.

(Aren't my metaphors disgusting??? Sorry, that is how this brain works...)

I called for a psych appointment with my HMO. None available. An offer to wait to fill a cancellation was accepted. Otherwise it will be at least 6 weeks to get in...

The suicide questions the screener usually asks were not asked. I offered nothing along those lines. This leads me to a question that might be splitting hares. (Sorry bunny.) One of my warning signs of an approaching emotional storm is suicidal thinking. My low level of anti-depressants seems to thwart that, but...

(I am not (I don't think) writing about suicidal thinking here. I don't want to violate that rule. And I do NOT have any plans of suicide!)

I have just noticed passing thoughts about how much easier "life" would be if I were dead. In taking a seldom used xanax tablet the other night to help sleep the thought arose that taking the whole bottle would feel sweet, like crawling into a warm bed on a cold night. Yesterday while walking across a bridge I found myself daydreaming about peacefully gliding up and over the rail.

Again, these are thoughts that just "popped" into awareness. I have no intention of following through with these fantasy solutions. I know that eventually life will improve and joy will be have its turn. I know, from direct experience, how destructive suicide is to those left behind. So, I don't consider this to be actual suicidal thinking. But what is it? Perhaps I should call the HMO back and tell them I am having suicidal thinking just to get in faster?

I don't know...

I have to stop typing now. My focus has been all used up and I cannot continue to ramble on...

Any thoughts or feedback would be appreciated.