Hi Fuzz,
I would take your saying my being like you as a compliment because you are soooo loveable!!! Although, you probably don't think so... but you are.

I know what you mean about the triggers. I'm so convinced I'm such a horrible person that anything a person does- even if it's totally non related to me-that even remotely suggests that I am a bad person, I go into my shell and set out the spikes. My defenses go into overdrive and I think, no, I KNOW I confuse the heck out of people when I do that. No wonder I can't maintain a relationship.
It's okay about not being able to give advice, I appreciate your support. I know it's difficult to give directions to someone when you, yourself are lost. (((((Fuzzybear)))))
Hi Jenn1fer82,
I have tried letting it go by "disowning" it but that's not working out too well. It's extremely hard to disown an old sick mother who's still so guile and immature that you can't even blame her for her actions. GRRRR! And if I can't let go of her then the rest of it isn't going too far either because they're all attached to her. I do take it out on myself. I blame me for everything-as Fuzzy said but I'm really getting tired of beating myself up. I don't even believe myself anymore when I put myself down. I overdid the "I hate me" and the "I hate you" routine and now I feel the road is begging me to take a whole new direction.
Forgiveness.
I know I can't do it in a blink of an eye but I wish I could so I could be rid of this God awful anger-it's terrible and so ugly. I don't like myself when I get angry. I'll try to be easy on myself and flexible. I will take it one step at a time and hope I'm headed in the right direction.
Thank you Jenn1fer82 for your advice. I appreciate it. ((((Jenn1fer82))))))