My t and I have discussed transference quite a bit (although not using the word "transference"). We have talked about my feelings for her alot. Even though I have been in therapy for over 10 years, I have not been able to resolve the strong feelings of need for her in my life, and the pain that comes whenever I run into a boundary that reminds me of the limits of the therapeutic relationship.

What's confusing for me is that she wants to work with hurt "child parts" of me. Yet, when I don't keep strict control of those parts of me that want her to be like a mom to me, then I start feeling a greater need to email her and have her help. Then I run into limits, and it hurts that child part of me. So I end up pullng back - partly because I feel hurt that I allowed myself to get so vulnerable that I reached out for help and felt like I got slapped by reality -- but also to protect my t from my unreasonable needs and demands.

Well, when I pull back, my t says that I am finding a way to distance from her because I am afraid she will hurt me. (Well, yeah, if I have pushed too hard for her help and been told she is too busy or made to wait for a couple of days to get a reply, then I DO feel hurt, even when I know that I am probably expecting too much from her!) My pulling away from her enough to disconnect the part of me that needs her too much is all I know of to do when my needs start messing up the therapy relationship.

So, I pull back. Then over time, my t coaxes child parts to engage with her again. But if I let up control of them, again they want too much from t. She can't respond as quickly as I need her, and then I feel hurt and rejected. Then, pull back again.

This is horribly painful, and I really am tempted at this point to keep any child-like parts of me that desperately want my t to be like a mom to me AWAY from the therapy room. Those needs are too great for my t to fill, or for anybody to fill. Over and over, I've tried to find somebody who would care about me enough to want to have a close relationship with me that could help provide what I never got from my mom. But it never has worked out. Not even when someone insists that they care alot and will never abandon me. In time, my needs become too much for them, they get tired of feeling like they have to "hold me up," or find out that the things they tried to do to help me didn't work. So they cut loose and drop me.

Well, t has said she would not do that. And so far, she hasn't. But still, it just doesn't work to try to get help from her for those parts of me that never had a close relationship with my mom, and feel so much pain because of it. It's like trying to fill the Grand Canyon one a teaspoon full of dirt at a time. It can't be done. It's too much work. And I fear that this is true also for my t.

So, again, I find myself going in circles with my t because of my intense transference with her. This time, I really don't want to try again to open up my deepest feelings and needs about her, because I know she can't fill them anyway. What she gives is great, but it will never be even close to enough to relieve the pain I feel inside.

Sorry to be so negative. But I struggle with this transference thing so much, it is the most painful thing in my therapy.