Noelle, it sounds very much like what I struggle with. I too have a very mixed view on my future, half of me says "go for it, live the life you deserve" while the other half fixates about a dozen times a day on how great it would be to stop at the hunting department of the local sporting goods store and purchase the means of my self-destruction. This must be common with c-PTSD sufferers. I wish I had good advice for you, but is myself am lost.

When you say you were made to participate in covering up a murder, was the perpetrator, your father, brought to justice?