I could have written this.
I was given the bpd diagnosis many years ago. But I and my T have noticed that I am more bpII than bpd. I do the hitting on my legs to avoid the cutting too.
what you are going through does sound so familiar.
You said that it's expensive to get care, am guessing you do not have insurance to help getting a T or pdoc? course sometimes no matter what the medication is, I do swing from depression to mania... So, not saying meds are the "fix"... but a T can help a great deal.
Sorry you are going through this....Wish you the best