My brother abused and raped me in every imaginable way when I was 9-13... he was 13-17. I'm 29 now but still live at home because I only work part time, hoping to change that soon.
I have to face my brother every sunday when he comes with his girlfriend and son for family lunch. Every time I handle it by drinking, not ideal, my T is not happy about it, but I don't know what else to do.

Well he also came home for Christmas eve, and the whole evening went wrong. First of all, I had set the table so that I'd be diagonally across the table from my brother, not ideal, but at least I could try not to look at him to much and especially not touch him in any way. Well even though his girlfriend knows, she switched the places with him, so I had to spend the evening sitting next to my brother. I tried to ignore it but just couldn't...

And basically the whole evening no matter what I would do or say on of them would say answer in hurtful way. Like saying they'd rather not have spent a dime on my present. (Because it's a concert ticket and they don't like the band), or calling me an alcoholic. Or calling me fat, an alcoholic, and so on... Of course no one intervened, so I didn't say anything as I didn't want to be responsible for ruining the evening. But when they left first thing I said was: I'm done, they won't see me at their New Year's Eve party! If i can't celebrate at my friend's house, I'll stay home alone.
After that I spent part of the night crying until i finally fell asleep.

Yesterday they came again for Christmas dinner. And at one point during dinner they were insulting me again. As they were the only guests this time I finally said something. I actually asked them if I could say or do anything without having them put me down. And for the first time ever my mom intervened and told them that they say really hurtful things to me and her and that they should take care what they say. Well my brother's girlfriend almost started crying and said she doesn't feel welcome here.... Hello? You know you come here with a rapist! How can you hope to feel welcome? If I was you I would never a set a foot in this house with him!!!
That argument went on for a little while until they finally left.

Again I spent the night crying, considering self-harming and suicide. Couldn't do it because of my friends and my T. Fell asleep around 6 am and spent the whole day in bed, trying to read, play online games and somehow recover... Haven't heard anything from them and not sure I want to.

Now I'm trying to figure out what my next step should be, I can't live like this anymore! I just can't.... I wish I could afford moving out, but even if I did, I don't think I'm ready to live on my own... I need structure to do anything else than staying in bed all day... but most of all I need to get out of here! First time I recognize it this bad...

sorry for being this long...