Alright, so having food for thought and hashing this out bit with you all was tremendous. It helped me to articulate many things I wanted/needed to say to my t. I want to say thanks again for that support.

I went in and we discussed--and this is how it went: I explained that I feel upset with her due to her minimizing the past etc. We discussed this at length and she explained this to be a fine line she walks with me. She IS interested in my past, the trauma, the experiences but felt my symptoms were not quite under control to the extent that she wants to visit them so deeply--yet.

>>>>>>One needs to be able to think about the memory and feel the feelings of rage and fear and so on... And have the skill to sit with the distress and feel it without doing something rash...

Yeah, since we started the past trauma, I've been incorporating some old coping mechanisms that are not benefiting me and my t is trying to help me cope with the outcome of where I want to go, and where I'm asking her to go.

Baby steps

She also said I "ruminate" so much I have not aquired the skill or ability to "turn it off" and put it aside yet. I tend to take things away from therapy and instead of using them positively, I dwell and obsess and she wants to get that under control.

>>>>>>>>>>>One also needs to be able to put the memory away and engage with daily activities and so on... And have the skill to be able to shift the focus of ones attention onto other things so one can function in ones daily life...

Balance.

Seems like she is trying to get you doing the latter strategy because you seem to have mastered the former ;-)

Boy you got this one, right on the head....she nearly used these exact words. She said I have to free up my mind a little, and enjoy more. I need to be present in everything that I'm doing and so on, not just stuck somewhere in my head like I do.

It all boils down to what she described as a "push and pull" she and I play together. She says I have a huge wall with barbed wire atop and she sees my hand reaching through begging to grasp her, and when she comes near, she tries to climb my wall, and I begin to let her, then she is stung with the wire and retreats a little. I want her near but I'm afraid to trust her and we are still working on that together.

She says she senses that at a core level I feel unworthy of being happy and that I punish myself for feeling good and destroy my chances of happy moments. She says I need to believe I'm worthy of this etc. or else she can never truly help me. I told her I struggle with that and she said she belives I'm worthy, so she's asked me to go on "blind faith" for awhile with her.

Also, I've just upped my dosage of Lexapro which she says will take the edge of the rumination and dwelling and we will visit the past stuff. I told her I need her to lead because I can't just decide what to talk about this day and that day, and she said once all the trust is in place, she'd be quite happy to lead.

And it went on and on, and we really "touched base" with eachother which I think was needed. I think she's great and I have to remember to tell her when I feel something isn't going right.

On a side note, this all started after a particularly odd session a few weeks ago. When I touched on some past stuff she asked me some questions about why bad things happen to good people and so on. She didn't like my answer much and became very snarly ("prickly" was her word). I left that session confused about the direction we were heading and very confused/hurt/upset. Nontheless, she explained that she had "brought in" some personal stuff that session and that was the vibe I felt from her. She apologized and made sure I understodd that she had made a mistake. She never meant to minimize my fellings.

So, I do really feel better and now the weirdness is explained....hopefully, we keep happy together and continue on.

Thanks for remembering me, that we especially nice. And the perspectives were helpful with me trying to understand where she might be coming from.