I wish I had some sage advice for you, but I don't. I can only tell you how sorry I am that you are suffering so much. You sound tired. Maybe you should rest for a while and gather strength to take another look inside. You have to care for your body as well as your mind. Best wishes to you.
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Bipolar I, Depression, GAD Meds: Zoloft, Zyprexa, Ritalin
"Each morning we are born again. What we do today is what matters most." -Buddha