(((Jane)))),

Oh hun, I am so sorry you were treated so badly like that. To be honest, it sounds like your sister was also stressed out having your mother and her stepdad stay with her. It sounds to me like she was getting overwhelmed and when you entered that picture her and your mother took that tension out on "you". Often with PTSD, we don't really see the entire picture because of how the triggers can take place, be very crippling and the scenario is expressing "our place in the overall dysfunction".

You see, even though to you it looks like your sister is "preferred" by your mother, all that really means is that your sister has managed to be more successful at somehow gaining your mother's attention, but that too can be such a burden. Remember, you do not really know "her" inner thoughts either. And because of how you were treated so badly when you came into that scenario, it is clear to me that your role has been merely that you tend to be the one that is "blamed" simply so these individuals have a way to release their frustrations about how they struggle with their sense of worth and perfection.

Unfortunately, Jane, what I have noticed in my time stepping back from my own family, is how my family members all had their own constant struggle with trying to find a way to play a role where they could feel better about their own lack of self esteem. What this does is it actually creates dysfunction in the family and the family members get caught up in the "illusion" of "playing different roles" where they can believe they do things right and when something is not right, they tend to pick on anyone they can to blame for that. And the problem with that is they really do not recognize their own dysfunction and how hurtful and really mean they really are with this subconscious game they play. It is "habit" more than anything, maintaining the "dysfunctional illusion" that they are doing something right somehow. However, what you experienced is clearly "not right", they are simply pushing "their issues" at "you" because people who "are" healthier do not behave the way you are describing.

Honestly Jane, it would be better for you if your Mother just stayed with your sister the entire time, let them have each other's dysfunction, you don't need that. Let your sister deal with having to be "just so with having the right damn dishes" for your mother. Your mother is "intrusive" dear and from what you are saying to please her one has to follow their life and obtain the material things that SHE decides is right. Who the hell needs that? And if it is so important to your sister to "keep up with that", THEN LET HER HAVE IT.

Jane, pretty much all my life my older sister just had to be "the Martha Stewart" of the family and HAVE THE CONTROL. She "can" do so much so right, but her need to be that person in control of "controlling traditions that she feels are perfect" has made her "miserable". She is not aware of the fact that the people that give in to her whole set up of her being this "super hostess" for the holidays are just "giving in" and are actually not "all that happy" with it.

She has become a "martyr" and because she needs to have so much control, she pretty much ends up "doing it all" and carrying the stress of feeling like "she" is left to "do it all" too. And during the holidays if anyone goes into her perfect kitchen and offers to help, she would get all ridged and reply, "no, I got it, don't bother me, go in the other room".

Jane, to be honest, now that I see the reality of it, I feel sorry for her. She "is" really talented, her home is like walking into a Country Living magazine too. I used to always walk away from any gathering she had there feeling as though I could never be "that organized or get my home like that". But I did not have the luxury of putting "all" my efforts into doing "just that" like she does. What I see now is that "her self esteem" is actually very fragile and her "fix" for that is "presenting perfection" and when something doesn't fit into "her mindset of perfection", she gets very bent out of shape. In fact, it is written all over her face and is expressed in her body language. She has to take these breaks where she goes outside, has a smoke and struggles with "anxiety attacks".

My role was to always try to tell her how wonderful everything was and to make it a point to compliment all the things she did to make that house so perfect. And somehow in that conversation I would make sure she knew that I could never achieve that amazing kind of perfection like she does. And in that conversation while she was full of anxiety, my adoration gave her a calm so she could go back inside and continue to be that Martha Stewart, perfect hostess.

Over the years it became clear to me, that I could "not" have gatherings at my house. I had to accept that "this was her role" and anytime I would try to do something, she would talk it down with all kinds of reasons where it had to be at her house. She did that with "everyone". And if I "did" manage to have a gathering and she came, she was never comfortable, out of place and just did not like "not having the control".

Jane, in my efforts to deal with my PTSD and my own self esteem, I have come to realize that going "all the way back" my older sister "needed" to be the best. I have come to realize that what that did to me is it made me harbor deep subconscious messages that I would never measure up somehow. While I had my own talents and was very creative and extremely artistic, there was always that message of "how nice" but "mine is better".

(((Jane)))), it is "ok" to let go of that battle that you can never truly win. That battle was "never" worth it. The tension you walked into at your sisters? Is that what "pleasing" somehow and getting chosen ever worth that kind of anxiety your sister was expressing that ended up being taken out on you? Stressing over your mother coming to stay with you, I can't blame you for that because with people that need some kind of "their idea of perfection", that is something that never brings any kind of happiness. But that never, ever, had anything to do with "you being unworthy" somehow, that is a dysfunction that is best to "stay away from".

People that have this "need" to obtain some kind of "social perfection" are people that are "empty" and get caught up in a weird world of having to follow some phony "presentation" that they are lifetime slaves to. They never "really" get close to anyone either, because they are way too busy trying to follow some "phony ideal" that has nothing to do with "true happiness and being able to just relax and be one's self".

Honestly, the fact that you are not "chosen" to maintain that "illusion" is really not so bad Jane. If you think back on how all the pent up frustration was taken out on you when you came onto that scene at your sisters, that was proof that ALL IS NOT WELL IN THE LAND OF PERFECTION TO MAKE MOM HAPPY. ((Jane)), it was not "you" that was the problem in that scenario at all, the pot was already boiling over before you got there. As soon as you opened up the door and walked in, you just simply removed the lid so they could let whatever was trapped out.

What you need to do is learn how to identify the people that behave in this dysfunctional way. You need to realize that the only thing you "can" do is "distance" from these kind of people because all these people do is "wind themselves up in playing a mental game that never really brings anyone true pleasure". You can't possibly win any trophies of true gratification in this game that is played, so be glad you are not playing the role of those that "are" more preferred in this "creepy delusional game". Realize that what you just saw was, THE REAL MISERY OF IT that was ready to be expelled on anyone that happened to enter into that "pressure cooker" that was brewing in that home. ANYTIME, people have to pick on your "dishes" or anything like that, it is a clear red flag that these people are "toxic and actually very insecure people" that are just not worthy of any of your time when it comes to sharing one's life with "quality people".

While I know this can be difficult, FEEL SORRY FOR THEM, because while you think you have a void, THEY ARE MUCH, MUCH WORSE OFF.

((((Caring, Supportive Hugs)))))
OE