SI trigger possible

I've been going through hell and back. I feel invisible in my friend group. It was so random too, it's like all of a sudden they decided I didn't exists. I really didn't expect it from these friends. They are all so loving and loyal. I guess just not to the new girl.
They we very mean to me today, usually I can just brush it off. But I'm already wounded from what's going on that it just made me hurt more. I don't want to do this any more. I can't live with this pain and agony.

If it was physical I would deal with it. I can deal with being beaten up more than I can deal with this Emotional and psychological stuff. I would rather bleed than be internally wounded.

I can't handle it anymore. I'm afraid of myself right now because I can't control my emotions. I think I'm going to hurt myself but I can't get help. No hotlines, no psychs, no parents. I Literally have no options but PC.

Not to mention that my 'friend' group message got on the topic of cutting an gone of my friends sent a picture of a bloody arm (trying to explain cutting to a different friend) and I didn't know if I could control myself. It took everything in me not to grab a knife and stab myself.

I'm losing the battle inside my head. I'm being trampled by all the different voices and memories. I'm losing myself.
And I can't come back.

I don't get along with the voices inside of my head (Rihanna reference)