Take a deep breath and realize that we are here to support you.

You may have some psychological problems that are making your life difficult and dysfunctional but I don't think you are 'crazy'. That is more of a legal term than psychological.

I can understand how what you describe is upsetting and you want it to stop. I too have had fear that my abuser would hurt me and that continued even after he had died which doesn't make sense but sometimes our thoughts don't make sense. That is when it is good to talk to a friend or T about our thoughts and feelings.

You are not 'broken' but you are not functioning as well as you could. I think it is pretty typical to go through ups and downs in life. Are you seeing a T or pdoc; are you on any psych meds?

Has anyone ever said you might have PTSD? I have PTSD and some of my experiences are similar to some of the things you are experiencing. I had a scary dream night before last about trying to move to another state to get away from my abuser and it was very disturbing. I was so happy to wake up and remember that the abuse was very real but it is over now.

I am often online evenings/nights EST so feel free to PM me if you need someone to listen. We have a lot of good listeners here at PC. Sometimes I can offer advice but sometimes I only can listen.

Hope you feel better soon.