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Originally Posted by gon3withth3wend
I'm 18, lost my virginity less than a year ago, and since then, have had sexual intercourse with 8 men, ranging in age from 18 to 25. I'm starting to feel bad about this. This week I had a 24 hour period where I slept with three different guys. (One early in the day, around 1am, one around 6pm and another one around 10pm) I feel like my behavior is getting out of hand. I feel like I remember reading somewhere that if someone had 5 or 6 partners in a calendar year that it would be considered promiscuous. I feel like by generally accepted moral standards that my behavior isn't okay. Sex just doesn't mean much to me. I don't really feel emotionally attached to most of these guys, and sometimes I feel like I just have to have sex to make the guy happy. Like once I had a guy friend help me when my car broke down, and he came on to me and I just felt like I owed him something. Overall I wouldn't say I'm very happy with my life, but I don't think I have sex because I think it will make me happy or because the guys will care about me -- I know they won't.. I don't really know why I do it. I almost never meet guys that don't just see me as a sexual object, and when I meet a nice guy, I think it's kind of weird. I think I might start seeing a therapist when I get back to college for spring semester but I'm not sure if I should talk about this with them? Is it really a problem? On the intake survey for counseling at my school, there is a checkbox for if I have a "sexual problem" would this be considered one?
I was sexually abused by a family member from ages 11-16, but I hate to be the person that blames everything on my sex abuse. I'm just starting to feel kind of guilty about my behavior, but I'm not sure if I can just stop...? I suppose to some extent it's really nice to be wanted, but at the same time, I hate feeling objectified.
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This reminds me so much of where I was at when I was your age. I slipped in and out of sheets with different men and really didn't know why. I knew that they only wanted me for one thing, and so I obliged and gave it to them. I'd been conditioned to this kind of behavior from my own experience with sexual abuse.
At the time, I couldn't explain the compulsion I felt to please men, but after I entered therapy, I realized that I had learned from the molestation to tie my self-worth into pleasing men... pleasing men meant not saying no.
If you are really concerned with your number of partners, only you can fix it. Try really focusing on self-fulfilling activities instead of engaging in thosr higher risk behaviors that can lead to the frequency of casual sex encounters and partners. Enter a poetry competition, work on getting art pieces displayed at a local gallery, offer to organize a meeting at work- anything that will give you a sense of identity without tying it to sex.
Be honest with others around you, too- I'm not saying tell every person around that you're looking to decrease your frequency in engaging in casual sex, but maybe tell a couple close friends how you're feeling and what your goal is and ask them to be a support system for you. When you're feeling lonely, contact a friend rather than searching for that validation in the arms of a man.
Lastly, for a survivor of sexual abuse, your behavior is NOT weird or even wrong. It is a completely normal way to respond. Don't worry if society thinks what you're doing is moral or not; the only reason to work on this issue is it is a problem in YOUR eyes and if you feel ready to tackle it.
You aren't alone in this, know that. There are so many people who have gone through what yoy have, and who are enduring it right along with you. There's strength in numbers.
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