I would like to first say that it is great that you have been able to rise above what happened to you as a child! I'm glad that you are getting the help that you need.

Second, I have feelings similar to these. At times when I am feeling especially judgmental of myself, I feel like people are watching me and judging my physical movements, my words, my choices, my actions. I almost always feel this way. Like I am constantly under surveillance, and when I mess up, even if it's dropping a pen, someone has seen and noticed. It is not a hallucination or paranoid feeling (well, maybe slightly paranoid lol). It happens when I'm alone and in public. I don't know if it's related to the dissociation aspect of BPD or not, but I am always aware of how I'll look to another person.