I totally get this feeling, and think you might be in a better place than you think as well. By being attached and dependent you can allow those child parts to finally come out and be recognized so you can mourn properly what it sounds like you haven't had, a "real" parent showing unconditional love. Don't forget that when you shut the door on emotions and don't let them out they get stronger and stronger. By undamming the well of regressive hurt and need, you might in fact lessen its intensity. I do have to agree with you though, life will always mean a degree of suffering, but that doesn't mean suffering to the point of hopelessness.

You are right that you can never be your T's child, but I do believe that it's possible they might love you. I'm not just speculating either, I've read a lot about this. For someone to show you the kind of attunement and empathy needed to create these strong attachment feelings it is most likely they do genuinely care about you. Love is an elusive word, you don't know, but even if it's not "love", just to be cared about means someone who's hurt by your pain and wishing for your every happiness. Not bad right?

Look for the marble of strength in your heart, the tiny voice with hope and all the past memories you have of happiness. That tiny voice is all you will need to start and a bit of courage, and one day what feels inadequate now might become enough, but depriving your need will only make it grow in power.