I got sober on my own didn't do any 12 step programs bc I am unable to attend due to my social anxiety. Holidays are difficult I know for everyone this time of yr it seemed to hit me a little harder. maybe bc my circle is growing smaller - down to neighbors which I am good to be around just in the apt and not to do anything out in public as I have expressed I would like to do stuff - I feel rejected - and like this particular neighbor is embarrassed to be around me because the way I dress - baggy clothes (nothing i have fits me right because I have a eating disorder and my weight is a yo-yo and can't afford new clothes) I have no teeth nor dentures (I feel like rudolph bc nobody lets me join their reindeer games lol sorry) plus my house I have barely any furniture. So how this all ties in to relapse - other day we had new windows put into our apt - the neighbor told the men I was just moving in (I been here 2yrs and I accept this is what I have RIGHT NOW) that wasn't her place to say anything - made me think she was embarrassed for me - she came home from some event i was outside smoking and I didn't see her - she called me to say sorry she sped quickly past the house her friend the dentist was running her to the store - again i felt like she was embarrassed to be near me - did I need to know it was a dentist friend of her's??? Would she not be accepted by her dentist friend bc her neighbor has no teeth and is poor?? Anyways all those hurts added up and I have no family left and truly one friend that lives far away and I feel beyond isolated. I been on a waiting list for a long time for therpy/meds - begged my Prim doc for meds and I am not one to take them but the anxiety is extremely bad and the level of functioning is so low. Doc says he can't write for psych meds - figures when I finally want them i cant get them.. I called AA's central ofc because I was afraid of a relapse - I explained I had 3yrs clean and he asked if I called my sponsor I explained I dont go to meetings - he went on to say my time did not count and I was a dry drunk . I just felt rejected (from all above)and isolated that alcohol seemed to be the right answer...I felt so good my anxiety didn't even exist I was laughing and singing and ok being alone...neighbor got involved bc I was cranking music and singing - she calls another neighbor - both of them are in AA and they talked to me for a bit - the other women suggested I go to a meeting right away - I WISH i could just go to a meeting but I have horrible social anxiety and am agoraphobic (hell most days i cant get of the house) - with that neighbor I mean she means well I just cant go til I get this damn anxiety in check....I felt like **** for the relapse it was really stupid. I feel ashamed of being drunk around them -- now both of them have kept their distance from me just what i needed more social isolation....3days sober now - Next few weeks are going to be equally hard - my mom's anniverisary of when she passed away is coming up (1/7) followed by the next day being my bday - it was very traumatic and still is as I found her dead. I have really bad PTSD bc of it - I hear a siren from an ambulance and I am right back there and if i touch anything cold it triggers it too.... sorry for long post!!!

forgot to say in my drunken state I changed my cell # - bc I knew Christmas day the phone would not ring. Pretty screwed up thinking. Plus i been deleting posts on FB bc anything I post no one ever says anything and it is positive things - I just feel like I am disappearing in this isolation