This past week has been one of the most difficult weeks for me in a long time. I'm really surprised I am still holding on somehow (though I have to restart counting days w/o SI )

My T had a family emergency and had to cancel our session before X-mas. Then she insisted that she call me the day after X-mas. She forgot to call So then she e-mails me, saying: "I am sorry that yesterday did not work out to touch base." At the end of the e-mail she says: "Feel free to continue to email as needed until we meet this coming week."

See, the normal "rule" is one e-mail a week. It must be in an outline format, it can't be longer than a page, and I must "sleep on it" before sending it.

So my T gave me, a person with BPD who is scared to death of abandonment and who she basically just abandoned, permission to write her as needed!!! Poor T. She just got a total of 5 pages single spaced in Word and it's only Saturday and I don't see her (supposedly) till Thursday.

Now my fear is that if I haven't lost her already, this might push her over the edge. But she expects 100% openness and honesty from me, and she did give me permission, right? I don't know. I'm so lost and confused and hurting. She's my T. Her job is to help me work through the pain. I just don't know how that works when she caused it (albeit unintentionally). I'm caught btwn desperately wanting her to comfort me, to pushing her out of my life. I'm tired of life being so fragile.