Something happened at my last session that is a little bit of a breakthrough for me, I think. T and I know that I'm in my head a lot, and it's hard for me to calm down, especially at the beginning of my sessions. Usually breathing with my eyes closed for a while helps me. When we do SE, I slow down too.

But a couple of weeks ago I emailed T that I push her away in the sessions, and I don't want to do that. Last week I had so much spinning around in my head to tell her, as usual, and I started doing what I often do, even after breathing. I started talking without stopping and without listening to her. I realized what I was doing and told her I didn't want to do that. I was okay for a while but then, when she was saying something, I guess I stopped her when I said "I'm going to have some apple now". She said "you're doing it again". I had stopped her, and I wasn't listening.

I didn't get the apple. Instead I looked at her and let her talk. I really looked at her, and listened intently. She was looking at me intently too. I felt a weird sense of connection that I don't usually feel. That feeling kept me from having to email her this week. I keep thinking about that moment. I said "I'm listening" and she said "I know you are."

It's not that I don't listen to her other times, or that I don't have eye contact with her, but I don't slow down enough to "take it in". I've discussed this problem before, about not listening, but last week I understood what I do, so much better. I have so much to say, and I'm also so anxious, that I'm thinking ahead, and I'm not mindful of my T or of other people.

But T's job is to look at me intently. When I sometimes catch her looking at the clock, it's strange, because she's usually just looking at me! I'm not always looking at her, though. I'm not usually listening so much to her, either. The moment I did, though, was like a breakthrough. So I wonder: do other people feel that connection in RL? Are you supposed to, or is it a "therapy" phenomenon because T's are trained to notice you? I don't think I could stand to feel or do that in RL; it's too powerful and strong. Or, is it because I don't look at and listen to others, and I'm not used to it so it seems like something odd to me?

I have a lot of feelings about looking at T and hearing her. It scares me! I am probably that way with others, too. It's scary to look at people and have an intimate conversation. Or, it seems intimate if I'm looking at them!

I think this is about me, and my inhibitions. If I could, at least some of the time,slow down, really look at people, and really listen, the way I did with my T, I might have better relationships. I don't think I look and listen to my H, even. On the other hand, other than my T, I can think of only a few people who look and listen to me in that way, either. I feel close to the ones who do, though. I feel like they really care about me.

So, I think this is really important as a way to connect with someone, to stay connected when they aren't around (like with T), and to have better connections in RL.

It might seem trivial to others, but to me it seems like something I just learned, and have to experiment with.