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Old Dec 29, 2013, 04:22 AM
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scorpiosis37 scorpiosis37 is offline
Magnate
 
Member Since: Apr 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 2,302
I think it's great that you're learning how important and powerful it is to truly listen, pay attention, and connect with others.

To answer your question: yes, I do have these kinds of connections in RL. They are certainly not exclusive to therapy! In fact, they're much better in RL because they can be truly reciprocal. Personally, I cannot get past the "acquaintance" level with someone unless we have this kind of relationship. For me, it's the only way to have a satisfying relationship. I do not feel "seen," understood, or cared about unless my friends and family listen to me, look at me, pay attention to me, and connect with me. On my end, I'm genuinely interested in and care about what they have to say as well. I WANT to listen and pay attention to them. I cannot imagine having close relationships without that kind of deep level of connection. It's precisely that kind of connection that makes me feel emotionally fulfilled.

When people in my life aren't interested in or capable of having that kind of a connection with me, I tend to distance myself from them. When it's a close family member (like my dad), I have to put up some barriers to protect myself because it can be very hurtful to want to connect in that way, and to have them not listen to me. Like with my dad, I love him, but he doesn't understand how to put his attention on me or really "hear" what I have to say. He interrupts me, he assumes he already knows what I'm going to say (but he's wrong), or he simply starts talking about what is on his mind, like what he has to say is more important. It makes me feel like he isn't interested in getting to know who I am, and that really hurts. It means that, in order to protect myself, I have to keep a certain emotional distance between us. He probably doesn't mean for it to come across as disinterest in me or a sense of self-importance, but that is how it feels for me.

Back to your situation, I think it's really interesting in that it might help explain why you're so interested in your Ts and why you aren't similarly interested in the people in your RL. You're missing out on the kind of relationships that make life worthwhile. If your T is the only person who puts that kind of attention on you, then you're missing that from other people. Of course, the trick is that, in order to get that kind of attention, you have to give it in return. And i don't mean that you have to "put up with" giving that attention-- it should be something that you want to give because you genuinely want to hear what the other person has to say and you care about what is important to them (regardless of whether it's important to you). T can only provide 1/2 of that kind of relationship. It's the people in your RL who can give you all of that. Now that you see how powerful it can be to truly listen to others and connect on this deeper level, perhaps you will feel more compelled t do that in your RL relationships? It's a really wonderful kind of relationship to have.
Thanks for this!
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