Big deep breaths needed........... the end of the first day that mother & step father are staying with me, soon I can go to bed.

On arrival, showed them to my bedroom that they will be staying in and mother commented "well this looks much tidier". So far my handsoap makes her cough, my water filter stresses her out.....gah, I could go on but I wont as I would like to be able to sleep tonight.

There have been a couple of instances that I have had to turn my back and walk away because I just can not let her see that she has brought tears to my eyes, so hurtful sometimes. I will say this though......I can see that she is trying to not be soo awful. (That in itself is an absolute miracle, and maybe I have been to hard on her?) Unfortunately when a behaviour is so ingrained it is very hard to change.

I have found myself running around unable to stop moving, making sure that everything is just so, tidying up, getting what they need.......its supposed to be the 'holiday season', but I think I am going to need one after this.

I recognise right now that I am in my perfectionist mode, with a mask solidly in place to show I am capable. This is not healthy but necessary. I feel rather sorry for my T in 2 days time, for when the mask can come down I think I will crack wide open.

As for the upcoming day, in the dark hours of the night I am being haunted, but also seem to be shutting those memories down fairly quickly. I remember my T expressing some, surprise is not the right word but close, at just how skilled I am at shutting down emotions, thoughts, feelings, memories.....well just about everything! I am glad that I feel as safe as I can expect to so far in my T's office, I hope that helps on Tuesday. Sunday night here, I am going to bed shortly, hope I sleep.

Thankyou all again. It is more helpful than you know to be able to come here and type this out and see that it is ok to do that. Also to see that I am not alone in having similar experiences.....unfortunate they happened at all for many of us, but I feel thankful I can come here and find you all out there.

OE....last week I became quite overwhelmed with the thought of what is coming up and that I need to talk about it, and you mentioned I should have a T who is a good professional and can validate and listen to me. I think mine can, I hope he can......when i was having trouble breathing and he could see my distress, he showed a tonne of caring and said "*Jane*, I can help you with this" with such sincerity,empathy and self assurance that in that instant I believed him. I know he can....I just need to find the strength and courage to start talking. I am scared, ashamed and scared to be judged despite all that. And almost scared to death about what will come forward when i begin talking and how I will feel, and I blame myself so deeply that I am disgusted at myself more than you can imagine. (I would like that to change, somehow, I really would)

Ok, that is just too triggering right now, I need to stop. Thanks again for reading and replying.