Wonderful news!

Sounds like a real breakthrough! Thats great.

This I get, I think I spend far too much time planning what I might say next that I don't actually always HEAR what someone is saying to me. For me I think it is anxiety about making sure that I don't look stupid, that I have something worthwhile to add to a conversation, definately a place of work for me. also thinking about it now, I recognise that I just "drift away" and don't actually hear what is being said, I think its anxiety again, although not sure.

Thankyou for posting this.....really worth thinking about!

I think it's great that you're learning how important and powerful it is to truly listen, pay attention, and connect with others.

To answer your question: yes, I do have these kinds of connections in RL. They are certainly not exclusive to therapy! In fact, they're much better in RL because they can be truly reciprocal. Personally, I cannot get past the "acquaintance" level with someone unless we have this kind of relationship. For me, it's the only way to have a satisfying relationship. I do not feel "seen," understood, or cared about unless my friends and family listen to me, look at me, pay attention to me, and connect with me. On my end, I'm genuinely interested in and care about what they have to say as well. I WANT to listen and pay attention to them. I cannot imagine having close relationships without that kind of deep level of connection. It's precisely that kind of connection that makes me feel emotionally fulfilled.

When people in my life aren't interested in or capable of having that kind of a connection with me, I tend to distance myself from them. When it's a close family member (like my dad), I have to put up some barriers to protect myself because it can be very hurtful to want to connect in that way, and to have them not listen to me. Like with my dad, I love him, but he doesn't understand how to put his attention on me or really "hear" what I have to say. He interrupts me, he assumes he already knows what I'm going to say (but he's wrong), or he simply starts talking about what is on his mind, like what he has to say is more important. It makes me feel like he isn't interested in getting to know who I am, and that really hurts. It means that, in order to protect myself, I have to keep a certain emotional distance between us. He probably doesn't mean for it to come across as disinterest in me or a sense of self-importance, but that is how it feels for me.

Back to your situation, I think it's really interesting in that it might help explain why you're so interested in your Ts and why you aren't similarly interested in the people in your RL. You're missing out on the kind of relationships that make life worthwhile. If your T is the only person who puts that kind of attention on you, then you're missing that from other people. Of course, the trick is that, in order to get that kind of attention, you have to give it in return. And i don't mean that you have to "put up with" giving that attention-- it should be something that you want to give because you genuinely want to hear what the other person has to say and you care about what is important to them (regardless of whether it's important to you). T can only provide 1/2 of that kind of relationship. It's the people in your RL who can give you all of that. Now that you see how powerful it can be to truly listen to others and connect on this deeper level, perhaps you will feel more compelled t do that in your RL relationships? It's a really wonderful kind of relationship to have.

I have that sort of connection with some people in real life. I do not have it with the therapist.

I am not sure it is possible for everybody to have that connection in or outside T. I don't think I can have it. I look at other people a lot when they talk, and really listen to them and say very little myself, but that in itself does not create a connection, because there is nobody who finds it meaningful that I listen to them in the way I find it meaningful that T listens to me.

But that's fine, for me - I don't think that kind of connection is a necessary component of my life. I rather think it can foster dependence on others, which is negative.

Once again, I come to the conclusion that we are all different and nobody can tell anybody else what is important for them. Which is one reason why it is better to listen than to talk, or else we'll never find out what is important to other people.

Yes, I "get" it and it's not only with ppl close to me. It happens to me on daily basis and maybe because of that it's not that special for me. I never thought about it much before your post Rainbow except when I was angry at ppl "ignoring" me when I was telling them stg important...
Come to think of it does happen more often with ppl I genuinly care about and some ppl are "better" at it than others. Maybe it's a skill and it could be learnt with practise?

Yes this is a social skill that some people are better at than others. I have had this connection in T as well as outside. Outside is more of a struggle, but it does happen. I have some very close friends and family members and I'm very lucky. But there are times when I've had trouble sustaining attention and if the other person senses that, a connection isn't made. I think it happens with everyone sometimes, but there are some people that seem to bond easily with lots of people. I have trouble reading these people because I feel a stringer bond with them than they feel with me. I don't think its insincerity on their part, but they are people who are just very good at making others feel heard. I think a lot of therapists fall into this category.

This is so interesting! Because - well, this time a year had passed since i saw my friend because of my eye thing - but i had noticed, over the past several years that i had been seeing t, and seeing her a couple three times a year or so, that each time we got together was noticeably better. Like more equal. I was less self-conscious, less nervous, more present, really engaging with her. I mean, like even feeling less awkward getting in and out of her car, or about sitting in the movie theater. Everything is fraught, isnt it?? Ive known het and her husband for over 30 years, so ive been attributing the change in feeeeeeeeling to whats happening in t.

I think it is a balance. Somedays I have more to say, other days my friends and colleagues do.
But in therapy, in my opinion, the client does get to be the one who talks more.