Hi there.

I do have to agree with Kaliope, it does sound like you're turning to substances to escape the pain. The thing about doing that is it doesn't *really* help, you know? The pain is still there...it's just covered up. It's like putting a band-aid on a gaping wound. It might cover it up and make you forget it's there for a bit, but the wound is still there. The best thing you can do would be to seek out a therapist, who, keeping with the analogy, could gradually help you treat the wound itself. You owe yourself that much.

I won't comment much on alcohol, as I feel like done in moderation and responsibly that isn't too much of a big deal. I would rely on the therapist to help you with moderation and making sure it's alcohol use instead of abuse. I would stress that it be done moderately and responsibly, and not as an escape, but it can be done without it being a mask. Same thing for the marijuana, in all honesty (is it legal in Washington state? Most of the Western states seem to be gradually getting warmed up to it, unlike the East). What concerns me, however, is the cocaine. Cocaine is an awful drug. The reason I don't call my father "dad" anymore is a result of his cocaine abuse. It tore my family apart. I don't want you to suffer what my father suffered through because of that damnable drug. And that's not even getting into the health detriments, such as a deviated septum. I can't stress enough how much I would, out of concern for you, like to see you off that.

It does sound like you may've experienced sexual abuse. I can't comment much on the doctor, but the incidents with the uncle raises a huge red flag to me. The memory gaps may be a result of your brain repressing the memories of what happened in an effort to protect itself. I won't lie and say it's going to be easy potentially unearthing those memories, but confronting the past and working through it with a professional is one of the best things you can do for yourself. It's a long road, but the road is worth it.

But your question still remains...is it that ****** up? Given all you've been through, I admire your courage. No, things aren't perfect...I do think you're masking the pain with substance abuse, and (and please, with all due respect. I have absolutely no intention to judge or criticize) I am fearful your profession might exacerbate your pain. But you have the self courage and determination to bear your problems to us, which in itself takes a lot of courage to talk about. You've proven, historically, that if you can identify a problem, you're willing to go to great lengths to fix it. You, at a young age, basically retraining yourself how to speak takes a hell of a lot of determination and commitment. That speaks a lot to your capacity for self improvement and your intellect (and wit. I'll confess I laughed out loud over the "blood in alcohol" quip ).

I think, ultimately, you've been a survivor of circumstances that no one should have to endure, and you've done the best you can in making the best of it. It's not a perfect process...very rarely is it. But you're trying, and that in and of itself is a lot. If you can just keep up that effort and extend it just a little further, I think you're capable of the healing you deserve, and for great things overall.

If I can be of any help, please don't hesitate to PM me. Until then, know you're in my prayers and that I wish you all of my best.

Hugs,
Harley