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Is it just me? Am I the only person that feels so ashamed and uncomfortable with masturbation? Physical sensations come over me every time I see the word, or references to pleasing oneself, and they are not pleasant! I feel like one of the very few people in this world that has such discomfort with it.

And I don't know, are these feelings somehow tied in to the sexual abuse? For example, I do recall m'ing at my aunt's house (thinking about guys my age or a little bit older). However, some nights my aunt's hub came over to me and sat beside me rubbing me gently. I'd lay there with my eyes closed, completely still, urging him to freaking leave me alone in my mind! I get confused, and wonder if part of me liked being rubbed by that old sick-o. It scares the heck out of me!!

When I was a young girl, with my brother and (another time) with a Kindergarten or 1st grade friend (who was a boy), I was the one giving the b.j. I can't help but think that I was the one that instigated these sick happenings! OMG! If I am the one who instigated all of these sick memories that haunt me, then what in the world am I complaining about??! How can I blame them?

I'm the one who should feel ashamed of myself, right? That makes sense to me. And, that explains why I have always hated myself ~ why my self-esteem is/was in the toilet. Freaking so many years later.... and yet I still cannot seem to get over this. Maybe the reason why is because it was me.

Does this make sense to anyone else here?? Please tell me that I'm not just blaming myself.