Okay. This thread is going to be triggering for abuse and potentially lengthy and difficult to answer. My T isn't around and I have no idea where else to possibly ask this.

So I'm currently stuck in my abusive parents' house. I'm financially dependent on them and they told me that if I do not come stay here over the holidays, they would completely cut me off as they do not want to fund someone who doesn't want to be apart of the family. I was at a residential program when they told me that. My T did NOT want me going back there and we looked at all possible alternatives and decided that this was really my only option.

My T decided that what we would do is to offer an olive branch to my mother. My mother is highly emotionally abusive and we came up with a list of things that I wanted out of her and we had her come up with a list of things she wanted from me. I basically said I wanted space, I didn't want to be harassed about my mental health, I didn't want to be harassed about my weight, I wanted to be talked to in a normal tone of voice. She wanted me to basically keep myself and my room clean, agree to taking some loan, and to interact with the family. I've been impressed with her ability to actually adhere to her side of the list up until now, however she was at work all the time for the last week and since she's been home this weekend, she's been much more invasive again.

Here's the problem: shortly after making that agreement, I started to remember things from my childhood. I've been really REALLY struggling with these memories and I don't 100% know if they are true or not... but I think my dad raped me. I can't handle being around him at all. I get really anxious and need to leave. I really can't interact with them that much because every single second I do, I have this overwhelming urge to hurt myself. Being around them also brings up more memories. T doesn't know the full extent of what I think I remember.

My mom has been trying to get me to go out to dinner or go to the movies or go to church with them and it's like... I don't know how many more excuses I can come up with before she gets angry. I don't even know if she's already angry or not. I wouldn't want to do those things in the first place because number one, I'm an atheist but my parents' don't know that and going to church will make me uncomfortable and worried that I'll blow my cover. My parents are also horrible human beings that I hate interacting with who can't seem to not say something cruel. But now, I don't want to risk doing anything where he could accidentally touch me in any way. I'm afraid of sitting next to him in a restaurant, next to him in a dark movie theater, anywhere. I can't handle being in the same room as him for more than 30 seconds.

My T is on vacation and I know she won't answer if I email her about this. I'm just so scared that my mother is going to be angry with me for not spending time with them and then cut me off. I'm also scared of going out with them. I don't know what to do. Does anyone know how to handle this?