this is HUGE for me. i have so much envy, it's ridiculous. im envious/jealous of pretty much everyone i know for some reason or another. everyone else seems to have what i wish i had. i dont know how to be happy for anyone without thinkong "i dont have that/cant be that/cant do that"...of course i act like im happy for them. i dont want to seem rude, but my usual response to other peoples good news (when i finally get alone) is to cry. so many talented, intelligent, beautiful people...and some who are all of the above and im not any of them. i just feel like theres nothing special about me. nothing useful to the world. i see people raising families, owning homes...having friends who love them...and i dont think those things are possible for me.

i just wish i could be geniunely happy for other people without comparing my sorry life to theirs.

i feel like such a jerk, but i dont mean to.