Readytostop, I think what I most want to accomplish from therapy is to be able to trust in therapy and to be able to trust a therapist. I want to come from it feeling that I have been heard and accepted. That I'm not pitied or looked at as a lower form of life because of what I have been through.

I have had a therapist that I trusted in the past. I think that is why I am in the conundrum that I find myself in today. It turned out that the therapist that I trusted was not really worthy of that trust.

The thing with the ability to put me in the hospital is huge for me. I know that they only do that in cases that you are in danger of harming yourself or others, but I tend to be suicidal very much of the time. That power in someone else's hands terrifies me.

The thing with the court subpoena is really real at this time in my life-- not because anything treatment oriented is court mandated-- because I am in the midst of a court case in which I was the victim of an assault. There was a hearing a couple of weeks ago in which the dirtbag's attorney filed a motion seeking my medical/ mental health records. My therapist and the DA has informed me that it is highly likely that he will be called to testify.

It is just such a mess. Now when I really need and want to trust someone the most, it seems that I really have no one that I feel that I can.