There are possible benefits to sharing things with a stranger rather than somebody who might feel personally upset or hurt by what you say. A good therapist will be better equipped than most other people to listen in a non-judgmental way and without letting their own feelings get in the way of helping you understand what the problem is, and how to work through it. You'll have to do the work yourself, but a good therapist can make it possible for you to do that.

I don't mean to make light of your struggles to understand what you actually want. It's hard and confusing, it really is. But you are being courageous in asking about these things here, from a bunch of strangers, and I hope that whatever decision you reach, you will feel that it was the right decision to make.