dear gomf,

i am so sorry for the pain you went thru and the pain you are going thru now.

CONGRATS on resisting SI for 5 months

can i ask you why you don't want to see a therapist? you don't have to tell us, but list all reasons in your mind and consider if your reasons are justified to avoid seeing one?

you are looking for PC for support....we're here to help you in any way we can .......but we are hardly the right people you should turn to!! we all here are pained and sick in one way or another. a psychologist once said "a sick mind cannot cure a sick mind".....and i completely agree with that.

a therapist gives a step by step process to help you heal your pains. you've suffered the aftermath for an year or so. why do you want to continue living thru that pain?
also, sometimes ppl form unhealthy coping mechanisms to trauma....which sometimes may be very hard to leave in future (like, in my case, maladaptive daydreaming....i've been struggling with it for 15 yrs). in some cases, longer ppl avoid a therapist, the more difficult and longer is the therapy period in later life. You can enjoy an emotionally healthier life.

i really, really request you to see a therapist and take you sweet time to find a therapist you'd be comfortable working with.

meanwhile, i request you to also try these things -

1. learn self-defense - it would make you feel really, really powerful. r**e is about power and victim often feels powerless in that situation. when you learn self-defense, kickboxing, karate or to that matter plain exercise - it helps you erase that sense of powerlessness.

2. write - writing is very therapeutic. even if you exactly know incidents, writing gives a sense of validation and helps you process things better. writing is a form of catharsis. it can be in a notepad, a blog or a diary.

you can also write incidents on bits of paper and burn the paper.

when you start writing, you can come closer to talking, which you would help you heal.

i was sa by my dad and i went to a behavioral therapist coz she was the best i could get! BTs don't focus on past as much as they focus on present. It was writing about the incidents which really brought a sense of closure and making peace with it.

i also want to add, pls don't see r**e as a crime man commits on woman. pls see it as a crime committed by the violent ppl on their victims. men get raped by violent men too. i just hope you don't start forming unhealthy opinions.....because some day, you'd find a guy who respects you and loves you unconditionally.

focus on your studies, build a career, take good care of yourself...but also see a therapist.

all my love and best wishes.