The thoughts are coming back (i would not categorize them as urges at this time, just want to do it not a need). I want to self harm i think because i don't know what else to make if this semi - depression. I know what to do with depression when i actually feel sad, but this is different. I don't feel sad, but i don't feel happy or even content either. It's a "neither" feeling. It feels different than numb also, because with numb I'm at least aware of the feelings I'm not feeling (does that even make sense? Numb to me is having depression or hopelessness or something in the background, but I'm just not feeling it. This is not being aware of anything in the background except a void of feeling). Maybe my walls got a lot more effective this holiday season and i managed to block even hints of emotion out, be it good or bad.
So anyway, the self harm thoughts are back because i know what to do with them. They are familiar and I'm not left so confused. The void is very confusing. I just want to be hurt. It's easier to handle.

I'm sorry. I don't think I'm making any sense with this post... i wish my t was back from vacation. I have couple's t later this week, but it's not the same. I kinda want to talk about this with someone, but not sure who. Guess I'll just write it out for when t gets back the end of next week. :/