give yourself a break. youre not being a dope. your anxiety is just getting the best of you. you have a high trigger situation coming up and you feel unsafe. t makes you feel safe, so you desire that connection with him and it cant come quick enough to quell that anxiety that you are feeling. just focus on the fact that you will be seeing him before nye and will be able to formulate your safety plan together. it was always my highest risk for suicide night. now i go out with a friend every year and watch the fireworks instead of being alone and i do just fine. have a great night and be safe. take care.