Can i first just appologize for even making this post? ... I feel as though i've been posting alot lately, and i hate that because i dont want to be whining on here all the time, i really don't.

But heres the thing. Its coming back ... the depression is coming .. i can feel it with every inch of my body. I feel it in the heavyness of my eyes, the aching of my neck, and the empty feeling left in my heart.

I was doing so well for a while there ... i was so hopeful. Now, i dont even know what happend. Nothing triggered it, nothing big happend, things were just "normal" until they wern't again. I saw my T for the first time today ... went okay i guess. Lots of general background questions .. lots about my family, but i dont have anything bad to say about it - well i guess it didn't really do much, but id rather have that happen as oppose to getting me more upset. I just wish that she already knew everything .. that i could just for once in my life be able to sit down and talk honestly, and just cry and be comforted.

But i was sitting here thinking (well trying not to actually) and i can't think of one thing to motivate me anymore. The last two years i had motivation from my housemaster and i didn't want to let her down ... i had motivation from my old T because i didn't want to disappoint her .... and now ... i just dont know.

I have midterms coming up ... i need to do well this semester, and that there should be enough motivation, but i cant seem to stay focused. I'm in class, but i'm not really there. I'm reading my text books, but i'm not absorbing anything. I'm talking to my friends yet i'm just saying what they want to hear, acting how i "should" act.

I guess what i'm looking for here is just a reason ... something for me to hold on to, something to help me be strong because i need to fight this thing ... this monster ... need to fight whats going on inside of me.