Quote:
Originally Posted by 1776
In 2008 I got very sick with psychosis. I'm bipolar. As a result of my illness I ended up hospitalized for long periods of time.
When this happened I spent a lot of my time in the hospital worrying about my home and all the nice things I had in it. I didn't have much, but what I did have I valued for sentimental reasons.
I ended up losing almost everything because of my illness and hospitalizations.
Because of that loss I'm now reluctant to buy anything nice for fear of losing it again. I literally live like a Spartan because I don't want to experience that sense of extreme loss.
What little furniture I have is mismatched. I have no pictures on the walls or knicknacks. My kitchen is sparse and mismatched. I have four glasses, one big bowl, and I use paper plates.
The only things of real value left are my journals. I take them everywhere with me because I'm afraid to lose them. My mother betrayed me and nearly gave them to my doctors during my first hospitalization.
I want badly to have a normal, cozy home again, but I'm so afraid of losing it again that I don't want to take care of myself in this way. I found some glasses with bumblebees etched on them and they're only $15 for four, but even that is too much to bear losing.
Does anyone else feel this way? Am I abnormal?
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Here's the strange thing: If you asked me that at first, before I knew
anything about you or your circumstances, I would probably say that
you are abnormal. Once I did learn about your circumstances, my
opinion changed; I would say that you aren't abnormal
after allowing for your circumstances.
On the other hand, being afraid of what might happen if you were to relapse does take time, attention and energy away from more important tasks: living your life from one day to the next, recovering to the extent that you can, finding people who
will respect your personal secrets (such as your journals), and so on.