Quote:
Originally Posted by Readytostop
This is great progress IMO... you are in a place in your journey where you have let yourself feel the love and acceptance that you missed out on in childhood through your relationship with your T. But now you are realizing that your T can't meet those things in a way that is going to go into the past and fix things...
Progress is made at the point you are at... its the point of grieving.... grieving the things you didn't get as a child...grieving the loss of things we didn't get...
But the hope and healing comes when we realize okay so these are the needs that we have... we can't go into the past and have a parent fill them but we can fill them in someways for ourselves and we can develop relationships where we can ask for the things we need... and have adult relationships that affirm us and support us and love us...
We can from this point of seeing our losses and our neediness...realize the defense mechanisms and styles of relating that we have used to protect ourselves or to "manipulate" others into trying to meet these needs and so we can develop healthier ways of relating and make healthier relationships
That is the cross roads that I see IME... will you retreat or will you push forward and start grieving and accepting those things you have lost in childhood and find the ways to get those met as an adult...
I hope you don't give up
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Just a little more. . .When I think about learning to be my own good parent, I feel so incapable. I've pushed away painful feelings and experiences all my life. And when I start getting in touch with those parts of me that hold that pain, it is even "too much" for me to handle. I'm totally serious. I fear the pain I have inside, and when I do feel it, it's often so strong that it feels overwhelming to me just to endure it. Then afterwards, I feel completely exhaused both physically and mentally - as though just letting myself feel the emotions has completely done me in. I'm talking about completely drained, too tired to do anything but sleep, and even my whole body hurting with what feels like sore muscles. This is what I go through whenever I alllow those child parts of myself to show up and I get in touch with that old pain of the past.
How will I ever learn to tolerate my own pain and be my own good parent when I can't tolerate the pain and problems any better than my own mom did? She ignored it and pretended it wasn't there - and I find myself wanting to do the same thing. Because I feel that i genuinely cannot handle it.
When I think about having to handle all of that alone, I'm scared to death. i just want to crawl into bed, pull the covers over my head, and never come out because it's the only way I feel safe.
