I probably am an extreme sensituve and being in and out of hospital half my life has a great deal to do with it. I am so scared of people that sometimes I will follow the Mass while sitting in a corner, facing the wall, so the congregation can not see me and I won't have to explain to them why I feel unsafe. All to fulfil my Sunday obligations. (Church is a duty for Catholics).

I am such a physical wreck. I need all my emotional strength to deal with this and it isn't there. I am fighting off suicidal surges regularly now. This is not the life I wanted for myself. I was hoping that at least I would be emotionally stable, if I could not be physically whole.

I have been denied even this and I do not understand why. I am trying not to be angry at God for this, but it is very hard. I have never been openly suicidal before. I was always "Happy Go Lucky" Shelley. Now look at me. I've weakened and it hurts. It's my fault that I cannot find the strength within myself to go on. I do not have the courage to face the doctors. With my parents, it was different. I had no choice but to deal with them and hide my fear. Now that I am apart, I see myself for who I really am: a coward. (I am a coward for a reason. Go into Grief and Loss to discover what started this mess. I wasn't this terrified of the doctors before that incident. And I was only able to write down part of the story. I wasn't able to do the rest and it is still in my mind. It still haunts me. If I write it down, it will all come flooding back. It will happen again.)

Thank you for calling me "beautiful". You are in agreement with someone else who is very dear to me. We have had disagreements as to whether I am beautiful. Hearing it from a stranger who has not been here that long and probably hasn't read much of my work...that makes it hard to dispute.

BTW I just started posting on BPD world. They have separate message folders for triggering and suicidal topics. I like their style.

There is a thing more crippling than cerebral palsy: the prison of your own mind.