cool09 -- I didn't know that about Donald Trump. I don't really hear much good things about him, but I like him much better now that I've learned about his charity contributions.

You're right about some of the problems of western society. Another thing about it that is really f-ed up is that we are taught that we shouldn't have to try very hard to get people to like you. Making friends is supposedly very easy if you are a good enough person, and if you have any trouble making friends, then you're weird or flawed.

Jan1212 -- What I want most is to become a successful writer. What I also want is to become a "naturally" good person so I can be assured I'll have a good future. And I want to behave perfectly so I won't give anyone any reason to say anything bad about me.

I realize how selfish this all sounds: wanting everything for myself. I would like to share with others, but right now I feel like I have to struggle to get every bit of goodwill for myself; there's no way I can give any of it away to someone else. I feel like basically I'm a black hole that is trying to suck up all the love and sympathy I can get, and there's never enough. Kindness and compassion feel like luxuries that I can't afford.

I'm sorry. I know my values are wrong, that I should want to share with other people, but I have so much trouble trying to save myself from the horrible future that I'll have if I don't get more control over myself.

Thank you for your replies.