I have posted my story before, but I had it deleted, but I want to start again... I need to let this monster inside me breath... I am bottling up to many past hurts and it needs to come out!

So I'll start again... This is very triggering and might be graphic...

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I was 6 or 7 years old the day hell signed me up... My cousin, who was close to 30 then, lived with us in the house, and he would babysit us whenever my mom and dad went out... which was a lot. They lived a life of fame and parties and I was too young to go...

I remember my one particular day, i thought about it this morning when i looked in the mirror and saw the scar under my left eye... I was in the swimming pool untill late and he said i must come in and get dressed for dinner. I went to my room and the thing that i wanted to wear was high in my closet, so I climbed and reached and struggled to get to it... and i fell down, very hard on the floor and hit my head against something... I screamed, he heard it and came running. By that time I was not wearing my bathing suit anymore.... I took it off as soon as i reached my room. He held me and tried to comfort me....

He asked me where I hurt... and I wasn't aware of specific pain... I was hurting all over... and he started to touch my arm and ask if it hurts... and then my legs... and then... Suddenly his hands were all over me, and I felt so exposed... and so confused... He took his clothes of and made me touch him, while he was touching me... and all the while he just said it will make me feel better... He forced my legs so far apart that I think I dislocated my hip... all I know is it hurt... so much... He convinced me to put it in my mouth... and it spilled all over my face.... It was so horrible... The fear of that day is still with me, so close, so real, so threatening. I want to throw up when i think of him........ I'm going to take a break for now... I will continue soon.